January 19, 2010
Vows
It wasn’t until I saw the video that Jen’s dad had shot that I felt alright. The handy cam view of our day seemed to fill in all the blanks and recreate the sparkle that is hard to catch when you are standing at attention in the middle of it. There is just too much to take in. One of the things though that had stuck in my mind since the day was how my vows had come out. As a writer, and a fairly eloquent speaker I had the weird position of being sacked with writers block. I pondered for weeks what exactly I wanted to say and how. My writing style is often like this with ideas and points to be made percolating around a sentence or phrase until the day I sit down to write, and it all comes pouring forth onto the screen. This, however, was different. Nothing was quite gelling. Maybe that makes sense because these words would be some of the biggest I would utter in my time on this planet. You might say that I was putting too much pressure on myself… maybe so, but anyone worth their salt wants to get this just right. Its not about the show, its about the person you are sharing these words with. I wanted Jen to know exactly how I felt, and what she meant to me. I didn’t want cliche or grand quotes, but merely the words that came straight from my heart, from me to her, and her alone. I wanted her to see me in them.
I also knew I wanted to make her laugh. Something that I cherish and have since the day we started this journey was her laugh… and some how I was able to bring it out. As silly and off the wall as my sense of humor can be it seemed to bring that smile of hers readily. On this day, I figured a few laughs would be a good thing. To keep tears away let laughter play was part of my motto as I planned out this most important of speeches. Yet, the plan wasn’t going well. Our officiant and dear friend Ray kept asking for our vows and the weeks dwindled into days. He wanted to make sure he was ready. I need to get ready. At some point in the process he told me that Jen’s were good, really good. Gulp. OK, yeah, the pressure was on. Still I could only let my mind do what it would do and the percolating continued. The evening of W+1 and I was still writing, and the morning of I was still writing as well. I thought I had it boiled down.
Standing together during Jen’s vows I was hard pressed not to start crying, even after having been cool as a cucumber all day. I wasn’t nervous until that moment. As she finished I pull my vows from my pocket, looked at Ray, and he said: “I told you they were good.” The words I spoke came partly off the paper and partly from me just speaking from inside. I remember starting off and hearing everyone laugh at the joke I had penned in them to make Jen smile. From there I gulped again, stumbled, felt Kevin Harris’s hand on my shoulder steadying my emotions, and on I went. Everyone (who could hear me) told me they thought they were fine because they came from me. I wasn’t consoled, I felt like I stumbled.
Time and video have a way of making things better. I did stumble but I also made Jen smile and that is ultimately what I wanted to do, whatever words were said. And as I think about it now, that is what I remind myself of: if I am making Jennifer smile, then I am doing good by her as her husband. Its not about the words, its about the deeds that come with them. So this, really, was the perfect way to start our life together: holding hands, smiling at each other, and helping each other past the stumbles.
Simply put, Jennifer, I love you.
From the day we met I knew I had found a friend, and from our first date that I had found love.
To quote an early 80′s philosopher:
What I like about you…
Jennifer,
You hold me tight, you really know how to dance, you keep me warm at night,
Wanna come over tonight? Yeah.
You make me laugh, you let me be silly, and you let me be myself
You make me feel loved, and you inspire me in new ways each day.
The warmth, connection, caring, and passion you offer I will return to you now and always.
I want to share not just this day, but all the rest of my days with no one else but you.
Smile, because I am yours.
